Healing – Chapter 5
By Sienn (2001)
Rating (for chapter): PG-13
Protagonists: Luke/Mara
Category: Angst/Romance
Series: Part II of "Soul's Trial" Trilogy
Time Frame: 26 A.Y. (immediately after "Soul's Trial I: Jedi Dawn")
Spoilers:
See Chapter 1
Disclaimer:
See Chapter 1
Chandrila, Day 3, Evening
Luke Skywalker enjoyed himself immensely and that alone was already a reason to wonder. It seemed to have been an eternity ago that he had really felt free, happy - ready to see the beauty of what was around him. Ready to let go of every terrible memory - of pictures he couldn't forget, of fears that had driven him crazy. Even now, he hadn't completely understood what had changed.
"What are you thinking of?" The soft voice invaded his thoughts and when he felt a delicate hand settle on his own, he concentrated on the woman that sat across from him at the table. To him, Mara was the incorporation of beauty. For this evening, she had donned a long, velvety gown whose rich, green colour played well with the fiery red of her hair. She had let it hang openly over her back and it reached almost down to her behind - he had never noticed how long it had become lately.
Luke just smiled at her, intertwining his hand with hers and openly meeting her probing stare. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly while she regarded him dubiously. "You DO like it here, don't you?" she finally asked. "I mean, I know you're not too much into all this elegant stuff, but I thought it would be a nice…"
She fell silent when Luke lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it softly: "Don't worry, Mara. It's wonderful here." She relaxed visibly and shortly brushed her fingers over his cheek before withdrawing her hand. "Good."
"And the food tastes good," he added, turning his attention back to the grilled Traladon ribs in wine sauce that he had ordered. Mara laughed at that, causing Luke to give her a mock-hurt look. "What's so funny about that?"
"If the food tastes good, you'd even take your dinner in the garbage can of the Mos Eisley Cantina, wouldn't you?
Luke grinned bashfully, then looked around, still chewing, gesturing at the small group of musicians a couple of meters across the room which they could glimpse through the plants that surrounded their booth. "It's just that I've never really been in a place like this, Mara. Diplomatic dinners, yes, but that's something else. THIS is... well..." he paused, searching in vain for the right word. Mara's voice became gentler. "Normal?" she suggested.
His face lit up: "Yes." Content that she understood what he wanted to say, he continued to eat, his appetite obviously fully restored. Mara, who had ordered something with not quite as much meat, found herself mesmerised by her husband. It was wonderful for her to see him this relaxed, this content - this open towards the world and towards her. She hadn't really dared hope that he would be back at this state so soon after they had cleared up everything that had stood between them.
Still, it somehow saddened her that Luke was not accustomed to things like this - an evening out, a dinner between two people that loved each other. His life hadn't been normal. Mara's hadn't been either, but still, during her undercover missions for the Emperor, or when he had given her leave in between missions, she had come to live, even if only for a short, limited time, as a normal being did. Luke had never had the possibility to do this. In his childhood and youth, there hadn't been room for fun. The occasional race, as he had told her, but not much more. He had had to work hard to help his uncle ensure the survival of the family.
And then he had stumbled into the Rebellion. Since then, there had never been real peace for him. Of course, she mused, there had been months, even years, in which no war had endangered the New Republic. But most of the time, those had been filled by the creation of the Jedi Order or tainted by personal losses and problems he had had to deal with. Even the six years of their marriage had held their share of things that had to be done and except for the three weeks of honeymoon they had had immediately after their wedding, there had been no time to do something as trivial as going out for dinner as a couple.
Now, though, they had all the time in the world and Mara was determined to make it special for Luke. She wanted to show him normal life. A life she hadn't lived herself for longer than perhaps a year, if she took every undercover mission together, but still longer than her husband.
And this evening was the beginning of it. Yesterday night and this morning, he had poured his soul out in front of her, had cried and talked about everything that had driven him down into one of the worst traumas she had ever encountered in a human being. And now he was as if newborn - at least it seemed to her like he was. Satisfied, Mara began to eat.
*~~
Some half an hour later, Luke was quietly listening to the hand-made music, relishing an excellent chocolate dessert. He was still somewhat mystified that he had eaten that much. For a long, long time, he had lacked the appetite to eat much more than a piece of bread or a ration bar. There were probably a couple of reasons for this change of behaviour, but Luke wasn't in the mood to ponder his problems and their consequences for his life.
At the moment, he felt like he had no problems at all, anyway. Mara loved him. This sentence appeared again and again in his thoughts and it made him want to shout it out loud, so that everyone on the planet could hear him, could hear that it was indeed true. Yesterday he had been sure that it was impossible, had been sure that she could never love him. As no woman had ever been able to love him, because he just wasn't worth it.
He still wasn't sure why exactly Mara loved him, why anyone would, but the fact that she did was everything he needed to know to be happy for the moment. The evening so far had been wonderful, like a dream to him. The restaurant itself had an atmosphere unlike anything he had ever encountered. Diplomatic dinners used to have no atmosphere whatsoever or one totally reigned by boredom. This little establishment, on the other hand, was wonderful.
Situated directly at the sea, one had a stunning view over the moonlit waves; the tables were separated from each other by wood trellis that were almost hidden by all possible plants. The musicians, all human, were excellent and the dim lights created a cosiness that would surely make him sleepy in a couple of hours.
All in all, Luke felt wonderful. As soon as Mara returned from the fresher, he would feel even more wonderful, close to perfect, he mused smiling. Settling a little deeper into the comfy chair, he focused on the music and the dancing couples that moved to it on the small dance floor the restaurant sported.
*~~
To her utter surprise, Mara found herself humming softly while she made her way from the fresher back to the dining room. It had been quite some time since she had been in the right mood to do that. She loved music, had always done, but her life had held too few occasions to indulge in it and enjoy it without having sorrows spoiling her mood.
The band the restaurant had hired was state-of-the art, as she had noted. They were quite good at their job and their music seemed to be made just for this evening, for this atmosphere. Mara felt the urge to dance. Then again, she wasn't here to do just what SHE wanted. The main purpose still was to let Luke be happy and content for as long as possible. Forever, if she could manage, she thought with utter conviction.
Straightening her gown and making sure her hair was all right, she rounded the last corner to enter the main dining room again and stopped short almost immediately, leaning with a broad smile at the wall. From where she stood, she had a wonderful view of the table Luke was sitting at and she felt her heart almost spill over with emotions when she studied him. Obviously, she wasn't the only one who was taken in by the music the band presented.
Luke, for one, seemed to be captivated by the soft sounds, his eyes never leaving the artists and a content smile creasing his lips. Mara would have been quite content to just stay where she was and watch him, drink in his beautiful features that weren't spoiled by any frown now, not wrinkled in irritation. His big, azure eyes that weren't averted in embarrassment or shyness, his lean form that for once didn't look as if he was tensed and all too ready to run away.
She smirked when she thought of how he used to compliment her, to tell her how beautiful she was. How could she have allowed him to forget how handsome she thought HIM to be? Mara had never imagined that he would interpret her words on Ithor like this.
Determined to not let those problems ruin this peaceful evening, she slowly went over to the table. There was a tasty dessert waiting for her - though, when she noticed Luke swinging his foot gently in the rhythm of the music, another idea sprang to her mind.
She gently laid a hand onto his shoulder, relieved when she didn't feel any twitch - he had sensed her, hadn't been that deeply immersed in confusing thoughts that he had just overseen her. He was healing - REALLY healing. "Care to join them?" she asked quietly, nodding towards the dance floor.
Luke almost choked on the last of his dessert, staring at her with wide eyes. Mara had to call on all her self-control to keep herself from laughing at him. Right at this moment, the mighty Jedi Master and hero of the Rebellion looked like a little, helpless boy. "You mean dancing?" he stammered.
Mara gave him a mocking glance: "Well, I certainly didn't mean taking over for the musicians, flyboy. Come on." She took his hand and dragged him determinedly in the direction of the dance floor.
"Mara. Mara, wait!" he complained, hissing, doing his best to keep up with her without stumbling like a complete idiot. She stopped, turning around and looking at him, clearly amused. "Why? Don't you like the music?"
Luke fidgeted nervously, looking around and relaxing just a little bit when he noticed that no one paid attention to the both of them. "The music is wonderful, Mara. It's just that..." "What?" she crossed her arms before her chest. Luke sighed, scratching his head in obvious discomfort. "Mara, I can't dance."
She frowned, mustering him suspiciously. "Of course you can. We have done this often enough at receptions and diplomatic dinners." Luke just shook his head, biting his lower lip, avoiding her eyes. Suddenly, from one second to the other, his insecurity was back. Mara sighed silently, then took both his hands. He looked at her, obviously uncertain about her reaction. Looking around, she pushed him behind one of the plant-covered trellis and out onto the small balcony the restaurant sported. If they began a discussion like this out in the open, someone would certainly get too curious. Out here, though, no one would notice them or overhear anything
She felt his irritation grow, the worry that he had angered her, spoiled the evening or something. Mara gently squeezed his hands in answer to that. "Luke, " she began with a soft, low voice, "what are you afraid of?" "I don't know," he answered, sounding totally lost. "But you DO know that this is not reasonable - being afraid without knowing why?" she gently rebuked.
Luke sighed, made himself free of her and turned towards the sea, leaning onto the railing. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
Mara shook her head, wondering how she would ever make him see what he was for her, what he meant to her. It seemed as if he couldn't really believe her words. Not fully, at least. She stroked his back tenderly, making him turn his head towards her. "You don't have to be sorry, Luke. If you don't want to dance, that's fine." She tried to sound reassuring, but obviously wasn't very convincing.
He pressed his lips together, closing his eyes for a moment, then mumbled: "They'd all look at me." "What?" He turned fully, repeating: "They'd all look at me. That's what I thought." His voice trembled slightly when he at last found the courage to meet her eyes: "I don't want them all to look at me."
"Force, why?" Mara breathed, the confession hitting her unexpectedly. She had never even considered that his insecurity extended to all parts of his life. She had been able to understand the way he had been towards her because of the things he had misunderstood. But why would he fear the attention of others, why would he fear the contact with others? This had nothing to do with what had happened between the two of them.
Luke shook his head, unable to explain himself. "At least try." She admonished tenderly, trying to send him encouraging thoughts. He just kept shaking his head: "I don't know why. The thought was just there. 'You don't want them all to look at you. It's not good. It's not right.'" He let himself sink to the floor, leaning against the railing and staring at her with sad eyes. "I don't know what this is all about, Mara. I... don't understand myself."
She looked down on him, trying to think about this all rationally. He didn't seem to be able to. Mara felt her husband's despair, felt his disappointment that he had ruined a wonderful time for her and for himself, felt how he mentally, quietly, berated himself for the whole mess.
Only after a couple of minutes, she got a certain idea - an idea she didn't really like, for it indicated that Luke would have been condemned to a life much more terrible than she had ever thought if she hadn't succeeded in locating him and getting him back. Once again, she made sure no one intended to spend a couple of minutes on the balcony, then joined Luke on the floor, taking his hand.
"Luke, would you tell me something? I know it will hurt you and I'm sorry, but I think this is important." He studied her features curiously, only slightly worried, the nodded. "I trust you," he assured softly. Mara smiled, then cleared her throat: "You told me part of what Elan rambled about when she... visited you. I would like to hear the other part."
She could see how her love paled in the soft light of Chandrila's moon, but his voice was steady when he answered: "I can't remember more, Mara. What I told you was everything I can recall." The ex-Emperor's Hand frowned: "I think you're mistaken, Luke. Perhaps you remember unconsciously."
He shook his head, but she could nonetheless feel him turning his attention into himself, searching, trying. She wondered dimly whether she had drawn the wrong conclusions, but there was no other logical reason for Luke's uncharacteristic fear of other people. At least not now that the problem between the two of them was taken care of. On the other hand, Luke didn't seem to find any clue as to why he had these fears, so perhaps she was wrong after all. Mara already wanted to tell him he could stop when his eyes flew open and he stared at her.
"What?" she asked, alarmed.
To her utter relief, he seemed to be far more surprised and baffled than scared. "I didn't remember that," he just said.
"Didn't remember what?" his wife queried impatiently.
"This part of the custom about familiars." When she perched an exasperated, elegant eyebrow, he hurried to explain. "When Elan came to me, the tizowyrm was about to explain some custom in relation to familiars. I didn't understand it very well - there were some words I didn't know yet."
He paused, trying to convert these fractions of memories into something Mara could understand. His wife stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. "I asked Elan about it when I noticed that she was there." She felt him shiver slightly.
"I thought you were asleep," Mara asked surprised. Her husband shook his head. "Only really asleep when the tizowyrm wasn't active. During the lessons…. it was like a trance. Anyway, she told me that familiars weren't supposed to be public beings."
"But I thought it would be sort of bragging if she had you as her familiar..." She trailed off, not sure how much she had really understood about the whole thing or how much she WANTED to understand.
Luke had closed his eyes, visibly moved by all this, but continued: "No.. it is… it's all very complicated. Watch!"
Suddenly, without much preamble, Mara found herself in a huge hall made of yorik coral. All around her, female and male Yuuzhan Vong were gathered, dressed like Elan had been, as thin as her, most of them as exotically beautiful as her. For a moment, she was startled, then she understood that this was only a vision. "What..?" she queried mentally.
"You'll see what I've been shown by the tizowyrm." Luke's disembodied voice sounded through her head. Mara felt unease settle in her stomach, but she could hardly refuse. "Watch!" her husband repeated.
Mentally, in the vision, Mara turned around and could feel herself gape at the sight. Elan entered the chamber, followed by a being Mara only belatedly recognised as Luke. He was clad in a robe of this strange Yuuzhan Vong materiel - it was dark green and covered everything but his hands and his face. The fact that made it so difficult to recognise him was the way his face and his hands were painted. Strange patterns, delicate and beautiful, but totally mystifying, covered every single spot - if she hadn't known him throughout all the years, she wouldn't have recognised him. His features were barely to make out between all this. Not really, anyway. He kept his eyes hefted on the floor.
After a few steps into the hall, the occupants obviously recognised Elan and bowed before her. Mara noticed that every one of them had a non-Yuuzhan Vong with them and drew the conclusion that they, too, had to be familiars. None of them was as explicitly "decorated" as Luke, but all of them wore a similar robe.
"She was the daughter of the High Priest," her husband's voice explained. Mara almost snorted. More scenes of a familiar's life flashed before her eyes. Luke sitting quietly at the foot of Elan's chair while she chatted with her fellow Priests and Priestesses. Luke making sure she had to eat and to drink whenever and whatever she desired. Then she saw how one of the familiars made the mistake of dropping his robe just enough for anyone who looked to see his hair. The young boy of a race Mara had never seen was immediately punished severely and finally collapsed unconsciously at the feet of his Master.
Then she saw elaborate quarters, the yorik coral still marking them as Yuuzhan Vong. The furniture was strange, the decorations were strange, everything was strange, but the form of her husband was something she recognised immediately. Here, he was not painted with anything. Just the drev-membrane on his forehead was ever present - clad in garments similar to the ones they had found him in, she could see him sitting on something that looked like a couch, then on a bed, sometimes with Elan, sometimes without her. It was not very clear, nor very detailed, but it sufficed to give Mara a feeling of what Luke wanted to tell her.
He must have sensed her sudden understanding, for in the next second, she saw again the wide seas of Chandrila and the feebly smiling face of her husband. "That would have been my life," he said, his voice incredibly soft. What surprised Mara was that he didn't seem to be afraid or angry. "No one was to see my face. No one but Elan."
For a while, Mara didn't know what to reply, but finally, she had gathered her composure again: "You know Elan is dead, Luke. The people in there are not Yuuzhan Vong. They don't even know who you are."
He nodded: "I know."
"No one has the right to tell you what to do. No one has ever had and no one will ever have. You are free," she continued.
"I know."
Mara rose and held out her hand to him. Luke lifted his head, the uncertainty shining for a little while in his brilliant, blue eyes. Soon, though, it was replaced by confidence and gratitude. He grasped her hand and together, they went back into the dining room. Meanwhile, the music had changed from composed happiness to a slow, romantic ballad. At first, their embrace was a little awkward and Mara felt Luke's immediate need to bolt, to run away. She pressed him only harder to herself.
When she began to slowly move to the rhythm of the musical piece, she could feel her love relax gradually. After a while, he laid his cheek on her head, hugging her close ever so gently and moved more willingly with her.
Mara, whose head rested on his shoulder, smiled relieved. With an effort, she pushed all thoughts of Elan out of her mind and began to relish the closeness of her husband. At the same time, though, she hoped that this was the last surprise the Yuuzhan Vong priestess had in store for her and Luke.
Chandrila, 3 Weeks Later
"No, R2, I'm absolutely sure no one has followed us here. Face it, no one has found out Luke and I are here." Mara grinned while she tried to persuade the little droid that there was really no danger. She could understand him, though.
She and her husband had pretty much neglected their little, mechanic friend, but then, they hadn't done things he would have exactly been suited for. Or interested in, for that matter. Mara laughed inwardly. The last weeks had been really wonderful. She and Luke had spent a lot of time talking. He had told her everything about the time she hadn't been there and added a couple more things about Elan he had remembered.
Those memories had come to him during sleep mostly. Occasionally, he still suffered from nightmares, but they weren't so serious anymore as to send him into shock or anything like that. They disturbed his sound sleep, kept him agitated for a couple of minutes, but after they spoke about them, he usually fell asleep quickly again.
In her bed. Mara grinned. Yes, ever since he had revealed the details of his torture to her, had been sleeping in the same bed. Although this meant they had been close to each other for three weeks now, it hadn't yet become something usual for Mara again. She relished it and appreciated the trust Luke put into her. He trusted her to accept his pace. Of course, she mused, it bugged her that he was still not entirely through all this crap. The last intimacy still was nothing he was ready for.
Meanwhile, though, he was a lot better than at the beginning of their holiday. Her love was still self-conscious, but not as much as he had been at first. And she hoped that he would shed the last traces of shyness soon - for she had to admit she didn't know howw long she could keep from making advances towards him.
With every day they had spent here, Luke had come back to normal in almost every other aspect of their life. They had spent most of their time either relaxing and talking or going swimming in the bay Mara had shown him at their second day here. He was back to the weight he had had before the Yuuzhan Vong invasion and had gone back to training as he had always done - in the Force, with his lightsaber.
Putting the bags full-packed with groceries on the kitchen table, Mara smiled when she remembered a day a week ago. That morning, she had come onto the terrace to find Luke with folded legs, floating serenely into the air, some thirty centimetres above the floor.
It had given her an immense sense of peace to see him like this - that deeply immersed in the Force, that sure of himself. She had drawn a lot of comfort from the fact that he began to return to old habits, that he cared again about his body, about his health. This was an extremely good sign, as she knew.
Of course he had noticed her and ended his meditation. She had told him that she was glad to see him train again. He had smiled, sadly, and Mara had queried what was wrong.
"My lightsaber," he had said. When she had only stared at him irritated, he had sighed: "I suppose Elan took it from me while I was unconscious." Knowing how much his weapon had been a part of him, of his beliefs, she had tried to soothe him, to cheer him up a little bit, when R2 had begun a real twittering concert.
Of course they hadn't understood what he had wanted, had even told him rather impatiently to shut up because he really hadn't contributed to a peaceful breakfast. It hadn't been until he had catapulted Luke's lightsaber right into his bowl of cereal that they had understood his behaviour.
Mara chuckled quietly when she remembered Luke's face - drops of milk had splattered across his cheeks and his nose, his mouth had hung open with surprise and he had looked as if Palpatine himself had suddenly materialised on the breakfast table.
Well, probably she hadn't looked much more intelligent, but a little fun was never wrong. When they had at last found a data pad they could hook up to their little astromech, R2 had explained to them that Leia had given the lightsaber to him while Luke had been in the clinic.
She had instructed the little droid to give it to Luke if he asked, assuming that her brother knew that his sabre wasn't in the Yuuzhan Vongs' possession and that he wouldn't want to have it immediately after the stressful ordeal.
Since then, Mara had been watching Luke train every single morning. He had been out of it for a relatively long time and had been rather clumsy at first, having to deal with the fact that he hadn't yet recovered his normal weight and that his muscles had been totally unused to this sort of action for quite a long time. But with every hour of patient repetition of the graceful movements, Mara had seen how he came ever closer to the peak of his abilities.
Now, she enjoyed the cat-like agility, his grace, the beauty of the movements, and the power of his muscles. It was just wonderful to watch him this way - his absorbed expression, his quiet efficiency. It was impressive and soon he triumphed over her during sparring again.
Luke was the best, no doubt about that. During the weeks after his breakdown, he had been vulnerable, but that was in the past. No Jedi or warrior Mara knew, light or dark, would stand a chance against him if Luke were serious. If it weren't for his big heart and compassionate, tender nature, Luke would have made a perfect, deadly assassin, she had thought during an absurd moment when she had watched him perform his stealth abilities.
During the first days of the Yuuzhan Vong, and Jedi investigations throughout the galaxy, Luke had come to see that this was a very useful thing. Still, Mara was better at stealth than he.
Drawing her mind back to the present, she stored the groceries away. She had bought a whole lot of them, for Luke, being his old self again, was practically always hungry.
"Luke?" she queried aloud.
"Over here, on the terrace!" his voice answered her. Wondering what he did out there at this time of the day - it was rather hot and the wind was very strong - she went out.
To her utter surprise, Luke was sitting on the railing, a huge piece of paper in his lap and coloured pens scattered all around him. His gaze was focused on something out of her sight, then he turned his attention towards the piece of paper, setting to work with a yellow pen.
Curious, Mara went over to him, following his gaze the next time he let it wander. At a point on the beach, far down, she could see an isolated little space that was protected from the harsh wind. Bright yellow and blue flowers were crowded there, offering a humble, but still beautiful sight.
Lowering her gaze, she almost gasped in surprise. On the piece of paper, the exact same scene greeted her, illustrated with careful, detailed lines, coloured very softly and yet shining.
"I never knew you could draw!" she sputtered, sitting down behind him and watching how his hand skilfully led the pen over the paper. He smiled shyly and continued.
"Why did you never tell me?" Mara asked, her eyes nailed fascinated on the artwork her husband produced.
"You never asked," was his simple answer.
"Well, I never saw you do that. You never talked about it either," she defended herself, although she felt a little ridiculous to have to do so. Probably she was just angry at herself that she didn't know something that special about the man she loved more than her own life.
Luke laughed, then laid the paper aside and focused on her: "I used to draw a lot when I was young, on Tatooine. But after I met Ben, I never had the time. During the Rebellion, I had more important things on my mind than drawing and after that.. well, then too."
He shrugged and continued. "This morning, I thought I could try again. I had nothing to do - you were away shopping, there was nothing on the vid, the new book chips I ordered are only coming in two days and I already did my practice."
"So you thought you could as well draw a masterpiece," Mara said with a smile, taking a closer look at what he had accomplished.
Luke blushed slightly: "That's no masterpiece, Mara. It's not that good."
Mara perched an eyebrow: "Stop that, Skywalker. This IS good - you may be no super artist, but for a hobby painter, that's pretty good. And I mean that - I do know some things about art."
Luke scratched his head, grinning bashfully: "You really think so?"
She nodded, emphasising her agreement by a kiss on his cheek: "I'm serious. Do you have more of that?"
Now that he was sure that she was serious, Luke seemed really eager to share his hobby with his wife: "Yeah, at home. All the drawings I did when I was on Yavin IV, alone in the second temple, the old one, you know."
"I'd like to see them when we're back."
He nodded. "Of course. When do we return, anyway?" Luke asked, sounding not at all as casual as he had wanted to.
"Whenever YOU say you want to go back," Mara replied, laying the paper and the pens aside, hopping from the railing and stretching out on the warmed, smooth stone of the terrace. Luke joined her and laid his arm under her head, invitingly. She accepted this all too readily, cuddling into his embrace, inhaling deeply just to relish his smell. "I don't feel up to meeting the galaxy again. All these questions, the work..." he said softly. Only his serene Force signature told her that he wasn't afraid, just still a little tired.
"If you don't mind, Mara, I'd like to stay a little longer."
Mara caressed his chest, shaking her head against his shoulder. No, she didn't mind at all. Now, with Luke almost fully recovered, the fun part of the holiday would only begin.
| To Be Continued | - Next Chapter NC-17