Author: kayladie
Title: It's a Jedi Thing; You Wouldn't Understand
Rating: NC-17 (but not til the end!)
Summary: Luke gets ahold of some bad shrooms, dude! And the consequences are...well, pretty hilarious!
Notes: Even though this will be Luke/Mara, she's not in it until towards the end. The beginning is more of Luke and Leia/Han.
Part One
Luke
Skywalker was pouting. He admitted to himself that it was a rather juvenile
thing to do, but he didn’t care at the moment. Of course, Leia didn’t care
either. She was still going to make him go, even though she knew he didn’t
want to. His voice got the whiny tone that occurred whenever he was irritated or
stressed, because sometimes that made Leia back down. She hated the whiny tone.
It
wasn’t working right now.
“I
don’t see why I have to go. What possible good can I do there? I am not a
diplomat.”
“Luke,
we are not discussing this any more. I have already told you why you have to go.
You are the only living Jedi Master. The Terrissians revere the Jedi. The
Honestly,
sometimes talking to Luke or Han was no different than talking to one of her
children. Must be some sort of male gene, she mused to herself, still
ignoring the mutinous expression her brother was giving her.
She
sighed and tried a different tack. “Luke, you’re not going to have to speak
or demonstrate any of your abilities. It will be enough for the Terrissians just
to know you’re there and be able to see you.”
“Yeah,
so I’ll be like an animal at the Coruscant Zoo. Ooh, look at the Jedi! Do you
know how frustrating that gets?”
“Oh,
I don’t know, I’ve never had people stare at me that way!” she said
sarcastically. “You know, it’s not just you they’re hero-worshipping here.
They wanted to see the heroes from the Death Star. Han and I do have to deal
with this on occasion.”
Luke
immediately felt ashamed at his infantile reaction. Leia was his sister and she
cared about him. She knew he hated this sort of thing, so she wouldn’t have
asked if it wasn’t truly important. He ducked his head and the lower lip went
from being stuck out to being caught between his teeth and he replied,
“You’re right, I’m really sorry for being such a nerf.”
Leia’s
expression softened. It was very difficult to stay mad at her brother when he
gave her that ‘aw-gee’ farmboy look. “I know you don’t want to do this.
But it will only be three days and you’ll actually be able to relax a bit.
Terriss has some incredible gardens and fountains. It’s quite a beautiful
world and I think if you let yourself, you might even have a good time,” she
said softly.
He
heaved a huge sigh, just to let her know he still wasn’t happy with the
prospect, and said, “All right. When do we leave?”
She
smiled and gave him a hug as she kissed his cheek. “Tomorrow.”
“What!?
But, Leia-”
“We’ll
be waiting for you at the Falcon’s regular docking bay, brother
dear,” she called out as she was walking swiftly out the door, cutting off any
additional protests he could come up with.
She
chuckled as she heard a shockingly vivid curse come from behind Luke’s
apartment door as she walked away. She straightened her shoulders as she headed
back towards her own apartment. Now she just had to go talk Han into this.
~*~*~
She
was going to have to kill the both of them; she realized that now. Not only had
they spent the entire trip to Terriss baiting each other and nearly driving her
mad, once they arrived on the planet she was trying to coax into joining the New
Republic, they had acted no older than about fourteen.
Leia
could overlook the looks of resigned boredom they both affected in Terriss’
museums; she knew that wasn’t the sort of thing either of them enjoyed. She
could even overlook the making faces and drawing doodles on their datapads
during the lecture series. She could not, however, overlook the water
blaster battle in the hotel lobby. That was truly going a step too far.
Now,
having been caught red-handed, they were both frozen in place, staring at her in
rueful embarrassment. Han had Luke by the front of his tunic and had his water
blaster aimed at Luke’s crotch so that it would appear he’d wet himself.
Luke had just unloaded the entire contents of his water blaster on top of
Han’s head, causing water to stream down his face.
“Upstairs,
now,” she ground out, her fists clenched by her sides to keep herself from
pounding the two of them.
They
knew better than to protest as they filed silently to the lift and stepped on.
Once the doors closed and they were out of sight of curious eyes, they both
began talking at once, each blaming the other for their current misadventure.
She
held up a hand and said, “I don’t want to hear it right now. We’ll
discuss it when we get to the room.”
Han
and Luke looked at each other with a grimace. ‘Discuss’ always meant
‘lecture’.
As
far as lectures went, Leia felt it was one of her finest. She had harangued them
for almost a solid hour, managing to bring up the worst qualities that they both
possessed and even a few incidents that she had been letting sit idle until just
such an occasion.
After
she had finished, on the note that the two of them were personally responsible
for the precarious state of the entire
“Guess
we should be glad she didn’t find out about those statues in the garden
downstairs, huh?” Luke said.
“Guess
you better make room for me in your room,” Han retorted.
“No
way, you can sleep on this couch.”
“I’m
taller than you! You should sleep out here and let me have your bed.”
“Hey,
this was all your idea! I’m not giving up my bed for you. You’d better get
over to that door and try to sweet-talk your wife if you want to sleep in a bed
tonight.”
“I’ll
arm wrestle you for it,” Han said.
“Okay,”
Luke agreed, a little too quickly for Han’s taste. Then he remembered that he
always needed to qualify contests between himself and Luke.
“No
Force!”
Luke’s
grin disappeared and he muttered what sounded suspiciously like ‘wimp’ under
his breath. Unfortunately for Han, Luke was in better physical shape even
without the Force due to the strenuous training he underwent almost daily at the
Academy. Luke had the poor grace to laugh as he went into his bedroom and shut
the door. To sleep in a nice, comfortable bed, Han fumed to himself as he
rubbed his sore arm. Seemed to Han that a Jedi Master shouldn’t be allowed to
gloat.
Han
gave a longing glance towards the door that Leia had closed behind her almost
half an hour ago. Hells, he had done far worse than this before. Surely, he
could talk her out of her irritation. He was a Corellian, after all.
Part Two
Han
awoke the next morning sore and aching from trying to fit his almost two-meter
frame onto a less than one-and-a-half meter couch. When Luke came out of his
room and stretched lazily, Han shot him a glare that might have killed someone
who wasn’t a Jedi. Luke was about to tease Han further when he noted the truly
irritated frown on his brother-in-law’s face and decided he may have pushed
Han far enough.
He
was glad for this decision because Luke definitely needed Han on his side when
the door to Leia’s room opened and they immediately got another lecture on why
they weren’t ready to go down to breakfast yet. Between the
two of them, they managed enough apologies and morose faces to quell Leia’s
irritation a little bit.
Unfortunately,
Leia not being quite as miffed at them did not make the day to come any less
boring. The only thing they both agreed that they were
looking forward to was the banquet lunch the hotel had provided. Apparently,
this place was renowned for its fine cuisine. By the time
lunch finally rolled around, Luke couldn’t have cared less if it was dirt and
grubs. He was starving.
When
he said as much to Han, his brother-in-law gave him a pitying look.
“Didn’t
you know, Luke? It is grubs. It’s
quite the delicacy here, from what I’ve heard.”
Luke
grimaced at him in distaste. Sure, he’d been known to eat
about anything, but grubs? Then he noticed the mischievous
twinkle in Han’s eye and flushed in embarrassment. How
mortifying was it that he was thirty years old, a respected war veteran, and a
Jedi Master on top of all that, and Han was still able to make him
believe almost anything that he said?
It
really wasn’t fair that some people could lie so well and so convincingly.
“You
big bantha turd,” Luke said, just a little too loudly, causing some of the
other guests standing nearby to cast curious glances towards where they stood in
line waiting to fill their plates at the sumptuous buffet.
From
Han’s other side, Leia’s eyes instantly pierced him with a sharp glare and
Luke mouthed ‘sorry’ at her, blushing even redder.
“Bantha
turd? That the best you can come up with, Kid?” Han said
under his breath as he snickered.
“You’re
just lucky I don’t have my lightsaber with me, or we’d see what the best I
can come up with is,” Luke whispered back fiercely.
“Lightsaber
threats, Luke? Really? Not very becoming
of a Jedi, is that?” Han sneered.
“I’m
pretty sure the Jedi Code would make an exception for an obnoxious smuggler who
must have somehow conned a princess into marrying him.”
“Hey!”
Leia’s glare again, and it was Han’s turn to mouth ‘sorry’. “That’s
hitting below the belt, Junior!” he whispered, probably still a little too
loud, judging by the looks they were still getting.
“Well,
you-” Luke started, and then he had to hold back a yelp as Leia viciously
pinched him on the shoulder. He didn’t feel too badly about
that since he saw that Han was rubbing his own shoulder and sending Leia an
extremely affronted look.
“I
am beginning to think that I should have brought Jacen and Jaina on this trip
with me. Honestly, when I’m comparing you to two-year-olds,
don’t you think it’s time to grow up?!” she hissed at them.
“Sorry,
Leia.”
“Sorry,
dear.”
“I
don’t want to hear any more apologies. I want an immediate
improvement in your behavior. Am I clear?”
The
two of them nodded mutely. But as soon as her back was
turned, they glared at one another, each vowing silently that the war wasn’t
over yet. However, they were both willing to acknowledge that
they should cease hostilities for the moment in the interest of avoiding the
wrath of a certain Alderaanian princess.
With
that situation temporarily settled, Luke turned his attention to the
mouthwatering array of food that was presented on the tables in front of them.
Eagerly, he began filling his plate, pausing from time to time to ask one
of the attendants about any dish he didn’t recognize.
“Those,
Master Skywalker, are pinda shrooms, a particular delicacy of Terriss, as they
are extremely rare. In fact, they had been thought extinct,
until a batch was discovered on the
He
turned out to be the head chef and Luke thanked him as he scooped several of the
tempting looking treats onto his plate.
“Oh,
it’s my pleasure, Master Jedi! I do hope you enjoy them.”
Luke
thought if the man smiled any wider, his face might split.
“What’d
he say those were?” Han asked.
“Pinda
shrooms. I love shrooms, we used to have them all the time on
Tatooine. Not much else we could grow out in the desert.”
“Ugh,
I can’t stand them myself,” Leia murmured quietly, not wanting to offend
their hosts. “Here, Han, take mine for me,” she
whispered, discreetly scraping the few she’d had on her plate onto Han’s.
“No
problem there, sweetheart, I’d do just about anything for you, you know,”
Han said with a sickeningly sweet smile.
Leia
gave Han a half-hearted glare as Luke mimicked gagging behind her back.
Han ignored him and turned up the wattage on the smile. He
was rewarded when Leia’s face softened into a smile as she patted his cheek.
“You
old scoundrel, you’ll never change.”
Luke
rolled his eyes in disbelief, and then choked when Leia turned to him, the scowl
returning to her face.
“Would
you hurry up, Luke? You’re holding up the line.”
Luke
tried to ignore the triumphant look on Han’s face, having to resort to
reciting the Jedi Code several times under his breath, but it was hard, very
hard.
~*~*~
By
the time they were ready to go down to dinner that evening, Han had almost
managed to soothe Leia completely out of her irritation at him. It
had helped that Luke had wandered off to tour some of the gardens on his own,
leaving Han to steal a few kisses from his princess. When a
knock came on the door of their suite, Leia was still blushing from the naughty
things that Han had just been whispering in her ear.
“Ignore
it,” Han urged, leaning over her on the small couch to try and kiss her again.
Leia
giggled, and Han knew he was home-free then. There was no way
she could still be angry at him and be able to giggle.
“We
have to answer it, Han. It’s probably the Ambassador’s
Aide coming to escort us down to the dining hall.”
“I’ve
got what I want to dine on right here,” Han said, leering suggestively at her.
Again he tried to maneuver her beneath him on the couch, but suddenly he
was falling face-first into the cushion and Leia was standing up in front of him
with a smirk on her face.
“Damn
Luke and his damn Jedi teachings,” Han grumbled under his breath.
“Look,
I know you’re not exactly thrilled with all this diplomacy and posturing.
I’m not overjoyed by it myself, you know, but it’s necessary, and
we’re almost through it. Only one more day to go and
we’ll be back on our way to Coruscant and our children,” Leia encouraged.
Han
sighed, feeling just a tad guilty for all the headaches he and Luke had given
Leia over the last two days. But not guilty enough to be
sorry about that water blaster battle. That had been fun!
And he still thought that Luke had cheated somehow to soak him so
thoroughly.
“You’re
right, sweetheart. Get the door and I’ll see if I can find
out where Luke got himself off to.”
“Thanks,
Han,” Leia said with a smile.
He
was just reaching for his comm to see if he could contact his brother-in-law
when a commotion rose at the door where Leia was talking not to the
Ambassador’s Aide, but to the manager of the hotel.
“What’s
the problem here?” he asked as he came up behind his wife, who was looking
unusually flustered.
“It’s
Luke. Apparently, he’s gotten himself into trouble.”
“Well,
that certainly doesn’t surprise me,” Han said wryly. “What’d
he do, try to rescue some damsel in distress and tick off her boyfriend or
something?”
“Um,
no, not exactly,” Leia hedged.
“What
is it then?”
“He’s,
ah, up on the roof, practicing with his, er, lightsaber,” Leia said, and to
Han’s astonishment, a blush rose on her cheeks. “And
he’s not dressed.”
Han
stared at her blankly for a long moment. “I’m sorry,
what? Did he take his shirt off or something and offend some
high-society matron?”
“No-ooo,”
Leia said slowly.
“And
didn’t he leave his lightsaber stashed on the Falcon? Did
he have a spare?”
“Han,
Luke is on the roof pretending that a big stick is his lightsaber and he’s
totally naked,” Leia said bluntly.
Part Three
Han
wasn’t sure where to direct his gaze once he and Leia had made their way to
the roof. On the one hand, it was really funny to see Luke so
obviously out-of-control in a way the kid hadn’t been since the early days of
their friendship. On the other hand, Luke was…well, naked,
and that was a whole lot more of his wife’s brother than he ever wanted to
see.
Glancing
over at Leia, Han could tell she seemed to have the same problem, only her
expression was a lot more worried than amused. Luke was
currently bouncing around in a jerky manner, jabbing the stick out in front of
him and he was yelling something that Han couldn’t quite understand for the
wind currents up here.
“One
of the maintenance workers discovered him, and when the man tried to talk to
Master Skywalker, he, ah, rapped him on the head with the stick,” the hotel
manager said with a grimace.
Han
could tell they weren’t going to be invited back to this establishment for a
very, very long time. Although, to be honest, that had
probably been the case after the discovery of the defaced statues in the garden.
Leia turned her head to glare at her husband.
“Han!
Do something!” she said in a low voice.
Han
didn’t know if she was trying to keep Luke from overhearing them or not, but
either way, it didn’t work, because he immediately turned sharply to look at
them.
“Han!
Leia! I thought you’d never get here!” he shouted
gleefully.
Luke
started to run towards them, but paused when Han jumped back and shouted
“Whoa!” with his hands held out in front of him defensively. “That’s
about as close as I care to come to junior, Junior!” he said.
Luke
just gave him a puzzled look, and then his face brightened with a fiercely
happy, almost maniacal expression.
“I’m
so glad you’re here, because now I can finish telling the story. I
was trying to tell the story to Fritz, and hey, where did Fritz go anyway?
But I was telling him the story and then he kinda wandered off, and okay,
maybe I shouldn’t have smited him with the lightsaber, and do you know
where my real lightsaber is, by the way? But Fritz was not
paying attention and that’s why he got smote but then he left and I really
can’t tell the story without an audience, it’s just not the same somehow,
but now you’re both here and I can finish telling the story and that just
makes me so, so, so, so, so happy…”
Han
and Leia and the hotel manager just stood there in amazement as Luke rambled on
continuously, somehow never running out of words, and yet he was talking about
absolutely nothing. Han remembered once having an old
girlfriend that had had the same ability and it was annoying then, too.
Finally,
Leia was able to catch his attention and break the non-stop flow of nonsense.
“Luke.
Luke! Luke!” She finally had to scream it
before Luke took a breath. “What story are you talking about?” she asked in
confusion.
Han
glared sideways at her. She’d just managed to get him to
shut up and now she was inviting him to get started talking again?
“Only
the greatest story ever told! It said so in all the holomags
and all over the holonet, too! It’s the story of…” he
paused and then struck a hilariously dramatic pose with the stick held tightly
in both hands in front of him. “…good versus evil. Light
against Darkness. It’s the story of how one young boy from
a desolate, desert planet rose from obscurity to vanquish the most wicked of
foes…”
“Oh,
my gods, isn’t that how the narration goes at the beginning of that awful
docudrama about him that Luke absolutely despises?” Leia whispered in horror
at Han.
“I
think you’re right. Heh, I always thought he did protest a bit too much, that
faker,” Han snickered.
Leia
glared at him furiously, and Han winced to himself. He had a
bad feeling he’d just undone all the kissing up he’d been doing all
afternoon. In front of them, Luke was still quoting the
docudrama, which told Han for certain that the kid really secretly liked the
tacky thing, because who memorized something they supposedly despised?
“…‘and
when they met in the swirling clouds of Bespin, the young Skywalker quickly
discovered that the villainous Dark Lord was still more than a match for his
untested skills.’ Hey guys, we’re almost to my favorite
part. Do you know what my favorite part was, do you?
Really, most people think it was the bit where I actually tagged old
Buckethead on the shoulder, but that’s not it, that’s not it at all.
Do you want to know what it is, do you?” Luke asked eagerly, once again
getting his parts a little too close to Han for comfort.
“Er,
yeah, tell us what your favorite part is, Luke,” Han said, backing away a step
or two and hoping that Leia didn’t notice and get even madder.
“Buckethead?”
Leia said in disbelief. Neither of them had ever heard Luke
talk about his father in such a disrespectful manner.
Luke
paused in his story and turned to look at his sister. “Yeah,
you didn’t ever notice that shiny black helmet looks just like a big ol’
bucket? Funny, I thought everyone saw that. Anyway,
I only call him that cause I care, right?” Luke laughed
uproariously at his own joke and then quickly turned his rabid attention back to
Han. “So, my favorite part! Like I said,
everyone thinks it’s when I tagged him…” his voice dropped to a very loud
whisper, “…don’t tell anyone, but that was a total accident. I
so got lucky on that one!”
Again,
he took a moment to giggle at his own sneakiness. Han was
appalled. Luke giggled like a girl. That
was something they’d have to work on after this mess was all over.
“My
most favorite part of the whole Bespin ordeal…oh, I really hate that word,
don’t you guys? Everyone kept saying afterwards, ‘Oh,
Luke, how are you after such an ordeal!’ or ‘Oh, Jedi Skywalker, you must be
so traumatized after such a horrible ordeal!’. It really
started getting on my nerves, too. And it’s such a weird
sounding word anyway. Orrrr-deeeeal. Doesn’t
that just sound like a weird word? So, in my head, I started
calling it the Bespin Thingy. That sounds a lot better, I
think,” he said with a decisive nod.
Han
sighed in irritation. This could take a while, it seemed.
“Your favorite part, Luke?” he prodded, while trying to figure out if
there was a way they could talk him into at least putting on a robe or
something.
“Favorite
part of what?” Luke asked Han, giving him a questioning look.
Han’s
attempted smile probably more closely resembled a grimace, but he was trying,
really he was. Surely Leia had to appreciate that much.
“Your
favorite part of the Bespin story, Luke,” he said patiently.
“Oh!
Oh, yes! I remember now. It’s
when I flew, of course! You’d never believe me if I tried
to tell you how exhilarating that was. Course, I also thought
I was gonna die, but that’s really just details. Hey, do
you want to see how I did it? I was totally cool and awesome
about the whole thing, I really was! It went like this.”
Luke
turned and ran over to the ledge of the building, leaping up onto it, somehow
still possessing his customary grace despite the fact that Han was certain
he’d absolutely lost his mind. Beside him, Leia let out a
little shriek of dismay at Luke’s casual prancing on the edge of a building
that was forty stories high.
“He’d
just sliced off my hand…and how mean was that of him, by the way?
I mean, not only did he totally abandon me, never get me any lifeday
presents or anything, he cut off my kriffing hand! And let me
tell you, that shavit hurt! A whole, whole lot!”
“Is
that when you got the bionic hand, Luke? Why don’t you, uh,
come over here and let me see that?” Han said, hoping to play along and get
Luke off the ledge before both he and Han’s marriage went splat.
Luke
started to hop off the ledge, saying “Sure!” with a big grin, when he
paused. “Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t
you the guy I’ve been battling the entire weekend? You…you
tried to frame me with those destroyed statues in the garden. You’re
working for the Imperials, aren’t you?” Luke said
suspiciously.
“Destroyed
statues in the garden?” Leia asked in confusion before sending a knowing glare
in Han’s direction.
Han
groaned to himself. Well, that was it. He
might as well start looking up divorce lawyers on the holonet. Still,
maybe he could salvage the situation a little.
“No,
Luke, it’s me, Han. Remember, I’m only deep undercover.
I’m still a rebel, but I’m working with the Imps to find out who
poisoned the water supply on Kelex Van.”
“Kelex
Van?” Luke said, just a shade of doubt still in his tone. “Oh,
yeah, I do remember that now. You’d better be careful around here, Han.
I think there might be an Imperial spy lurking in the building.
If he should see me talking to you, your cover could be blown.
Hey, do you think Fritz is the spy?! Is that why I had
to smite him?” Luke asked excitedly.
“The
story, Luke, you were telling us the story of what your favorite part of Bespin
was,” Leia said urgently, suddenly butting into his big plan. Okay,
so it might not have been that great a plan, but at least Luke’s parts were a
safe distance from him now.
“Don’t
encourage him to think like that. What if he decided to go
looking for some spy in the hotel? Can you imagine the
diplomatic incident that would generate?” Leia whispered harshly as Luke began
to ramble on again about the battle of Bespin.
“Oh,
like this isn’t creating a diplomatic incident as we speak?” Han
whispered back hotly.
They
had both sort of forgotten about Luke for a moment, his babbling having faded
into the background as they glared vibrodaggers at one another, but then Luke
suddenly shouted something that jerked their attention back to him.
“And
then I jumped! Like this!”
Leia
squealed and Han screamed – he told himself it was definitely not a squeal on
his part – as Luke threw himself over the edge of the building…
…and
hovered there in midair.
Han
gaped at him. Man, how strong was the kid in the Force if he
could be whacked out of his head and still levitate himself. Han
had to admit, even if only to himself, that he was impressed.
Luke
looked less impressed than simply confused.
“Han!”
Leia’s voice sounded weirdly strained for some reason and then Han looked more
carefully at her. And realized she was the one using
the Force to keep Luke from developing a very intimate relationship with the
duracrete forty stories below them.
It
was obviously no easy task as she was trembling with the effort and Luke was
squirming around as he hung suspended in space, almost as if he was still trying
to fall. Recovering from his shock slightly, Han realized he
was attempting to do just that, muttering to himself about snooty, interfering
sisters and nothing ever going his way.
Still
a whiner, even when he’s nuts, Han
thought snidely before he turned to look at Leia again.
“Han,
do something! I can’t hold him like this for long.
He’s fighting me, and even as addlebrained as he seems to be, he’s
stronger than me!” she ground out through clenched teeth.
So,
Han pulled out his blaster and shot Luke.
Instantly,
the Jedi’s body went limp and he came hurtling towards his sister and
brother-in-law as his resistance to her Force pull disappeared. With
a yelp, Han sidestepped quickly before Luke’s flying body, his naked
flying body, could touch any part of him.
“HAN!
YOU SHOT MY BROTHER!” Leia shrieked in the most unholy, angry, outraged tone
he’d ever heard her use. She hadn’t been that shrill
since the day she’d screamed at him when they were trapped in the Death
Star’s garbage compactor.
“What?!
It was set on stun! He’s off the ledge and out of
danger, isn’t he!”
With
one more glare that would have paled Tatooine’s heat in comparison, Leia
turned to the manager and efficiently arranged to have Luke brought a robe and
moved back down to their suite. Han was kind of worried she
would be making arrangements to have her husband tossed off the roof, but
luckily she gestured for him to follow as they moved Luke into the building.